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This clan drinking song was contributed by Cloudfoot:
We're the Knights of the old code.
Wimps we haven't got.
We're always looking for new ways to gain what
we have not.
We're sneeky and we're wiley.
Each brain develops a plot.
For if you have not already guest
we are a tricky lot.
We're knights, we're knights.
We're the knights of the old code.
If you do not
like it you can just hit the road.
So come and join the clan.
Gain meat by the load.
It's all for one
and one for all in the knights of the old code.
These jokes were contributed by the chicken goes moo (they are not personal references to your mom so please don't be offended. Also if you like Chuck Norris, it's probably
not a good idea to read these...)
chuck norris has been to mars, thats why theres no life there.
chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.
every
night, the boogeyman checks his closet to make sure that chuck norris isnt in there.
chuck norris made mona lisa smile
your
moms so fat that she can be seen on radar
your moms so fat that she sat on the toilet and the toilet said,"abcdefg,
get your fat ass off of me."
your moms so fat that even richard simmons cant stop laughing
your moms so fat
that she sat on a gamecube and it turned into a gameboy
This joke was contributed by Enkeli:
There's these three guys that got captured by cannibals and are told, "You can commit suicide anyway you like, but we're
still going to use your skin to make our canoes afterward." So the first guy is Japanese, so he asks for a sword to commit
traditional seppuku, and does. The second guy is a soldier and asks for a gun to have a soldier's death, and thusly dies via
hole in the head. The third guy asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly in the chest sceaming, "I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!"
This Joke was contributed by Gonwitdawind:
Job application to a fast-food restaraunt.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less
than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON
FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY
WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No,
but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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This joke was contributed by Gonwitdawind:
New Rules For Employment:
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As
long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
This Joke was contributed by Gonwitdawind:
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo
wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began
to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.'' "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog,
Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an
accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!
If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would
be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well,
Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would
think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well,"
she said, "It probably wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss!"
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